my lexie

My little angel passed away this weekend. She was ripped away from us by sudden heart failure. My heart has never been so broken. She's recovered from other health issues (like hip/back problems) before and although she was diagnosed with a mild heart murmur early on, it had never bothered her before. She had a tumour in her mouth surgically removed last month but recovered quite well from that. She was back to her old self immediately after. She seemed really happy to have the tumour gone. 

I want to honour and celebrate her life today. Lexie was my sidekick and travel companion for the past ten years. I was living in Brooklyn when I adopted her. She's been with me through thick and thin. Her Toronto home was quieter than Brooklyn and she really loved it here. 

Lexie started her life in rural Arkansas. I adopted her from a breeder there who was using her to breed puppies. She wasn't even two years old and she had just had her second litter of pups. The breeder was giving her up because, apparently, she had trouble with labour. I don't know much about dog breeding but I thought she was too young to be bred. I also suspect she was neglected and bullied by other dogs. I like to think I rescued her from a less happy life. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I still believe she is the prettiest little dachshund I have ever seen.

One humbling lesson I learned not long after I adopted her was while on my commute home from work in NYC. She rode the train to and from work with me every day. An animal behaviourist struck up a conversation with me when she spotted me carrying Lexie in a bag. Having seen ‘The Dog Whisperer’ on television, I thought to ask her if she had a tip for how I could train Lexie to be less nervous on the subway and/or of loud noises. What she told me almost left me in tears. She said that there is no trick. I just had to learn how to love and accept Lexie for who she was. I instantly felt so guilty for thinking that she needed fixing. Learning this actually made me want to love and protect her all the more.  

Lexie stayed exactly the same her whole life. I kept her nervousness in mind and did my best to work around it. She was a shy, delicate and sweet creature. But she was wise, serene and polite. She made up her own mind about who she loved and how much attention she wanted. She was occasionally aloof - which I must say, I respected. She didn't like everyone indiscriminately nor needed everyone to like her. She loved with conviction. I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of that love. She and my husband adored one another. She was loyal and gently protective of us. When I brought our baby home three and a half months ago, she squealed with joy, wagging her tail, running in circles and kissed our baby's face. I was moved to tears. She had seen my life journey and welcomed big changes with so much love. Her joyful greetings and kisses whenever we came home never got old. What I will miss the most are her long, soulful stares. Those eyes told me a lot. I understood her. 

I am filled with so much sadness. I still expect to see her little body coming around the corner in our apartment. I still expect to feel her stand on her hind legs to ask me to lift her up. She didn't care for toys but LOVED food more than anything. My husband (a chef) would add his special touch to her dog food and fed her the best meals. We both miss spoiling her. She was such a good girl. She gave me life. I hope she's watching over our little family now, that she's somehow still around us. 

Wherever you are, Lexie, I wish you peace. I hope I gave you the happiest life. I will miss you forever and ever.

So much love, 
Mommy

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Lexie's life was well documented. In many ways, I celebrated her life in photographs. I've put these images together (in rough chronological order). This is mostly for me and my husband, but feel free to take a look. :) 

love, surprise & convention

A big change descended upon my life recently. I fell in love. I got engaged. Although I've never really felt compelled to write publicly about my personal life, I've had things on my mind that need to be expressed. Here it goes.

Being loved by Rudy sometimes makes my heart want to burst – in the best way possible. It was a big, wonderful surprise for us both. We redefined what dating meant to each other. Being a free agent (for the most part) all these years has been ... entertaining. Needless to say, I’ve had a full life. It’s been quite an adventure. I found someone great who was busy having his own multifaceted, interesting journey. And for many reasons, joining forces just made complete sense. What finding love didn’t do is suddenly validate me nor made me more ‘whole.’ I find the notion that women are these sad, incomplete beings without a partner terribly insulting. But let's face it, society hasn’t evolved all that much. But we don't need partners to have children or survive anymore. It's 2014! I also didn't cross some imaginary finish line by getting engaged. It isn’t some kind of noble achievement. The way I see it is stars just aligned, love found me. I think it is FANTASTIC. It is worth celebrating. But I'm not suddenly more dignified because of it. Anything that alludes to this just gets under my skin. 

When I told my mom that Rudy expressed that he wishes we met in our twenties instead of now, her immediate reaction was “Oh, but you’re both SO much more interesting now!” I thought: Wow, SHE’S RIGHT! I love her for that. I love my parents for never, ever making me feel like being single made me somehow feckless or lacking. They didn't try to dictate how my story should unfold. My story was my own. 

I have always been an idealist. I’m not what most would consider a traditionalist. At 18, I didn’t want the (obligatory) big debutant ball – or a ‘debut’ as Filipinos call it. I traveled instead. I was never going to be someone who settled. I found it difficult to imagine having a child before I was with Rudy. In my world, there are no requirements – only choices. Being a free agent makes you self-sufficient and resilient. Of course, I wanted love. Along the way, there was trial and error. There was fear. There were a few near disasters. Dating in New York was occasionally fun. But It often felt like I was on a bad reality dating show. The idea of ‘settling’ terrified me more than flying solo. I’ve been accused of being too picky, too independent (seriously?) and just ‘too much.’ Eventually, I realized that people were simply projecting their own inadequacies and/or religious righteousness on me.  

I knew I wanted and deserved more. I wanted the kind of love that took my breath away. Unfettered by artificial societal pressure. Something that would let my whole being shine, exactly as I am. And it would be undeniable. That is Rudy for me. He inherently understood all this. His choices aren’t shaped by convention. He is vastly different from anyone I've had the experience of knowing. It's a grown up relationship. We're not a couple of 20-somethings still in the midst of angst-filled self-discovery. We’ve lived some. We also just have this joy together. And maybe I needed to leave New York to be ready for it. I’m glad no one else got it exactly right until this precise moment. To me, this was the best kind of surprise there is.  <3

define your own

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the
things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” 
~ Mark Twain ~

I was struck today by this quote. You may have seen it posted around the internets. I blame my lifelong idealism for having a particular connection to this. I realize now that I HAVE lived my adult/independent life (the most interesting parts) with this line of thinking —  despite many strong opinions to do otherwise. Call it being ‘romantic,’ ‘passionate’ or even ‘crazy.’ I like to think of it as BRAVE. I've learned the following important lessons over the years:  

1) Giving yourself permission to pursue what's in your heart can be hugely unpopular (even offensive) to those who only WISH that they had done the same.

2) Idealism: often NOT the easiest/safest/most traditional route to choose whether personally or professionally. This, I know well. Accept that you're taking risks and could fall flat on your face. Then appreciate all who help and encourage you along the way.

3) Considering/living someone else's ‘SHOULD DO’ list will never make YOU happy. Write (and rewrite) your own.

Lately, I've been wanting more. I'm excited again after an intensely difficult time. I've also been inspired by a few particular individuals (thanks, Nichole) who remind me that life is too short not to live your own *ideal.* Here's hoping 2013 will give power to more of my adventures — however I choose to define them! 

reflection

This was a year of extremes. Sweet, joyous highs and blindsiding blows. 2012, I gave you my all and with plenty of COURAGE. The past year (or three) has taught me some hard lessons. I'm taking a moment to reflect today. Here's to tipping the balance, making better (personal + professional) choices, setting new tracks and to LETTING IN NEW LIGHT in 2013. 

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.  ~ Rumi